i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
