just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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