just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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