your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
