Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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