3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
