Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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