am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
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Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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