had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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