This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
