chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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