R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I love having hate sex.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
