mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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