So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
