i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
