So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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