It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
