I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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