dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
