I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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