Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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