Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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