i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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