i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
