Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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