i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
