I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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