dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
