: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
