My liver just broke up with me...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
