i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
