Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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