You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
