I wish my penis had an off switch
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
