hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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