just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How external is "for external use only"?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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