turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize