i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
