Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
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it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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