fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
