sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
