At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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