Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
