these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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