i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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