I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
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Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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