Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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