Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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