I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My feet surprised me
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