The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
