1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
