Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
