I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
