i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
