i already hear my dad disowning me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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