She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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