Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize